tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41021741399934902862024-03-19T05:55:34.301-07:00My Journey to HealingMy journey to healing from my struggles with Infertility, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Depression, and ADHD. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-88538449511421671632017-11-10T12:44:00.000-08:002017-11-10T12:44:15.541-08:00Infertility update/Giving advice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realized today that it has been a while since I have given a real update on our journey with infertility, so if you're not interested in that, you should probably quit reading here. :) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had my surgery 6 months ago in May where I had large masses the size of a newborn babies head (ironic, right?) removed from the outside of both of my ovaries. There was also a cyst double the size of the masses surrounding each mass on both ovaries as well. They were able to successfully remove both masses and cysts, but discovered I also have masses <i>inside</i> of both ovaries that are still large, but not as big as the other ones. These were not able to be removed without removing my ovaries as well, which is counterproductive in what we are trying to do here. I also have PCOS and Stage 4 Endometriosis.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The doctor said that our only option at this point is going to be IVF (in-vitro fertilization). This is an extremely intense, painful, and most of all expensive procedure, ranging anywhere from $7,000-$20,000. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were told that we needed to begin the process 5-6 months after my surgery in order to best optimize our chances of the IVF actually working. At the 5-6 months my doctor estimated a 30% chance of it actually working which is not high, but it is something. The chances of us ever getting pregnant on our own without IVF is literally 0%.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(I recommend looking this up if you don't know what IVF is or entails) </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have been blessed with having insurance that covers up to $10,000 of the IVF, which depending on what course of treatment we take, may either cover it 100% or almost 90% of the cost. Y</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">esterday my doctor's office called me and said that the insurance has updated their policy to only cover the IVF after we have done another procedure called an IUI (again...look this up if you don't know it) and it has failed 2 times. I have previously asked my doctor about this procedure and because of my thick endometriosis and my masses in my ovaries, this procedure would never work for me. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is incredibly frustrating because we will have to pay for 2 procedures that we know won't work and will put us to almost a year past the surgery which is risking having to get another surgery before being able to do IVF. This will again lower the chances even more of the IVF working and being able to conceive. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are so sad because we were getting excited to begin the process in the next 3 1/2 weeks and now will be set back almost 4 months. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One thing we have learned through this is that we should never assume that everyone's situation is the same. Every couple has a different story. Just because one thing has worked/not worked for one couple, does not mean it will be the same for another. We have also had to rely heavily on faith to get us through this difficult journey. We have had so many tell us that "God has a plan". Don't worry. - we know. There have been so many moments during our marriage where we have seen that manifested. Remember that everyone is at different places in their lives and sometimes what you might perceive as a helpful comment may not be received the same way by the couple. As far as giving advice - I'm going to be straight up - if you are not a doctor, therapist, or a bishop it is not your place to give advice to a couple going through infertility. It may be meant well, but it is not a good idea and may cause hurt feelings. If you are unsure what to say or only know how to give advice try this - offer to be there for them as needed and let them know you love them. That's it. If they want your advice - they WILL ask for it. I promise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope this helps answer any questions about what we are going through, and maybe how to approach us and others going through this struggle. Thanks for all of your support!!</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-68249485041538395082017-10-18T10:41:00.000-07:002017-10-18T10:41:00.317-07:00College student diet - BreakfastSince our move to Rexburg, our income has sliced to less than a quarter of what it was in SLC (and we weren't making a ton there either). That being said, our grocery budget has had to majorly decrease. <strike>We</strike> I am having to work hard to overcome <strike>our</strike> my addiction to fast food and the convenience of it. I managed to cut our grocery bill way down by coming up with three very simple dinner meals that can be dumped into the crockpot, add water, and go. It was super easy and convenient when we first got here, but then school started. I was finding myself waking up late before class, scrambling to get any last minute homework done before leaving, and not to mention actually trying to look decent before walking out the door. I was finding that I rarely had time to eat breakfast, let alone pull out the crockpot, wash it if we had not done dishes the night before (Have you ever tried to wash a crockpot where food had dried to it? It takes an ETERNITY), and actually get everything into it before having to leave for class. After a couple weeks, I pretty much quit even trying and we were jumping right back into our fast food/processed food crap that made me gain all my weight when we first got married.<br />
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So that's dinner. We also were struggling to find ways to eat a healthy breakfast or lunch, if we ate it at all. The meals that I have prepared for the crockpot are meant for a crockpot, so they don't cook very quickly on the stove, and I don't really have time to stand there and monitor it on the stove anyway. I have been seeing a lot of people online raving about something called an "Instant Pot". It pretty much is a pressure cooker that cooks things in insanely quick amounts of time without the gross texture microwaves give food and without the constant monitoring of cooking on a stove. I convinced Nathan to let me buy one the other day, and I am already in love!<br />
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One of my go to meals in the crockpot is homemade refried beans with dry beans (because they are dirt cheap), but one of the downsides is that you really should soak them overnight before making them in the crockpot otherwise they have to cook longer and come out more crunchy. I read online that you can pressure cook the beans without soaking and it will still come out as if you soaked them overnight. I was reluctant, but gave it a shot and the beans were amazing! I cooked them on the pressure cooking setting for an 1 hour 15 minutes, vs the 8 hours in the crockpot (or 4 on high). I then tried my other go to of split pea soup (again - dirt cheap) and instead of the 8 hours on low (4-5 on high), it cooked in 30 minutes and the texture came out way better than I am used to. I'll share some of these recipes later in life, but for now I want to get down to the real reason for this post - BREAKFAST.<br />
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I saw Nathan pull out another bowl of Cheerios, and I knew that wasn't going to fill him, so I started looking up recipes for instant pot breakfast ideas to see if I could make him something more hearty or filling. I found lots of great things for different egg recipes (hard-boiled, omelettes, casseroles, etc.), porridge, yogurt, and oatmeal. Holy options, Batman. The only thing I had on hand today was oatmeal, so I decided to give it a try. DISCLAIMER: I HATE OATMEAL. With a passion. I hate that it comes out thick, I hate the gluey texture, and I really don't like the taste if we are going to be real. It is probably because of all the forced oatmeal I had to eat as a kid. I know that if I am going to lose weight, I need to give healthier food a chance, so I went at it. While I was waiting for it to start cooking, I pulled out another recipe book trying to come up with other things I could make later. I found a recipe for an "Autumn Glaze" which isn't the most healthy thing, but I thought I would try it mixed in with my oatmeal to make it a bit more bearable for myself.<br />
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After the oatmeal was finished, I mixed in my glaze, and added some slivered almonds that I happened to have on hand to the top. Then I took a bite. IT WAS A MIRACLE. I absolutely loved it! It was so yummy! The instant pot kept it from getting super thick and gluey, but still kept it cooked. All the things I hated about oatmeal were literally not present. So yeah. I ate oatmeal today. What the what. I am going to keep adding recipes I find to this blog so I have somewhere to reference my crazy feelings about my new foods and somewhere that I can actually pin my recipes from. Because who needs cookbooks? Pinterest is where it's at. #Millenial<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-m3EIqVmfFgvsKa7wqLjyFSOKKkNaEpOUesX5ioWfALirYxYV5Js6PHbDq5GvvCXS8010aUDg-6dNJbGZWsck7lyW8sVRj-975hIRTQdclwpz2wPE6TBrKbINUTRUkffs3ckDH1exfFE4/s1600/IMG_0852.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-m3EIqVmfFgvsKa7wqLjyFSOKKkNaEpOUesX5ioWfALirYxYV5Js6PHbDq5GvvCXS8010aUDg-6dNJbGZWsck7lyW8sVRj-975hIRTQdclwpz2wPE6TBrKbINUTRUkffs3ckDH1exfFE4/s640/IMG_0852.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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<b>Instant Pot Autumn Oatmeal for 2</b><br />
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Ingredients:<br />
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<ul>
<li>3 cups of water (plus 1/4 cup for the syrup)</li>
<li>1 cup of old-fashioned oats </li>
<li>1/2 cup of confectioners sugar</li>
<li>1 teaspoon of cinnamon</li>
<li>1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg</li>
<li>Slivered almonds for garnish (optional)</li>
</ul>
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Directions:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Put 3 cups of water and 1 cup of oats into instant pot and stir. </li>
<li>Set instant pot on manual pressure cook for 3 minutes</li>
<li>In a small saucepan bring 1/4 cup of water to a boil</li>
<li>In your measuring cup add confectioners sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg and pour into pot</li>
<li>Stir until dissolved.</li>
<li>You can continue stirring until it forms the consistency of a syrup or keep it somewhat watery for your oatmeal. Whatever fits your texture preferences.</li>
<li>Naturally release pressure on instant pot </li>
<li>After release add the glaze to the oatmeal and stir</li>
<li>If desired, add almonds to top of your oatmeal</li>
</ol>
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You can totally just make the oatmeal part and add your own ingredients in if desired. I really liked the nutmeg taste in the glaze to go with my oatmeal. I am super excited to keep trying recipes out in my new toy!<br />
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Disclaimer: I combined two recipes to make this. The oatmeal comes from <a href="http://sistersunderpressure.com/breakfast-time-three-minute-oats-in-the-instant-pot/" target="_blank">Sisters under Pressure</a> and the Autumn Glaze comes from my recipe book "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Nom-Yourself-Simple-Vegan-Cooking/dp/1583335854" target="_blank">Nom Yourself</a>" by Mary Mattern. The only thing altered is I did not add sage to my glaze as the recipe calls for. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-34494893160315495792017-09-06T20:36:00.000-07:002017-09-06T20:36:12.187-07:00Dear Future Baby<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Future Baby,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love you so much even though I haven’t met you. I think
about you often and all the things I want to do with you when we finally get to
meet you. If life went our way, you would have been here a long time ago, and might
even have a sibling or one on the way. It is taking a long time to get you here
and that is really hard sometimes. Sometimes I think of you and I feel sad, or
maybe even angry. I have had many days where I have cried in anger and sorrow to
Heavenly Father wondering why we have not yet been permitted to bring you into
our lives. For a long time, I let this long wait for you turn me bitter towards
Heavenly Father. I started to wonder if He really did in fact love me the way I
always thought He did. As time has gone on, I have come to realize that He has
a timing for everything. While waiting for His timing, we should trust in Him
and rely on Him for comfort. When you are eventually here, I want to teach you
that and help you to develop your own personal relationship with Him and with
our Savior. I realized that in order to do that, I need to be developing and
maintaining that relationship myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes, when I hold or see other babies, I wonder if
maybe they knew you in heaven. I wonder if they could speak, would they be able
to give me a message from you or even tell me if you exist at all. Could they
tell me what you’re like, or if they know when you’ll be coming to us. Baby, we
are doing everything we can to get you here to us. There are many extreme measures
that we are having to take. Measures that cost significantly more than we are
able to afford. I hope you know that we will spare no cost to get you to us. We
are willing to do whatever we have to do to make you a part of our family. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We often talk about the day that we will learn that you are
coming, and how we will celebrate together and tell our families that you are
finally on your way. I have so many ideas for how we will decorate your
nursery, what cute Disney outfits you’ll wear for your newborn pictures, or how
I will turn my wedding dress into the dress you will wear the day your dad gives
you a name and a blessing, surrounded by all of the important priesthood
holders in our lives. I think about the messes you’ll make in the kitchen, the
bumps and bruises I’ll kiss better, and the day we celebrate you taking your
first steps. These are all days that I am anticipating, but none match the
feelings I have imagining what it will be like to finally hold you in our arms
and see you. We are so hopeful that day will come. The day it does, I will shed
many tears, but for now I shed tears of what is yet to come. Yet, while I shed
tears, I am remaining hopeful and strong that we will be blessed with your
presence in our lives someday and hopefully soon. We haven’t met you, but we
love you so much. We look forward to the day we can finally meet you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love always,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
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Mommy<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-4920805596524404672016-09-08T11:44:00.001-07:002016-09-08T11:44:26.557-07:00September 2004<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiKsf848H3-qCXKqkM1a5Gbd_84pIP5rF2qD5ZzRu9Ni2hgUWmfH5p61UDhwsKTJEG0PYdZk0cg9f3FogHf97H7G0EiGZD6BCHpO8qDXFMc5C_wWwhqD404qFhkpnX1dPqxjIJ8uxPbr8r/s1600/10923289_10202492074897603_6421979770485701753_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb09zFfepmOC6_ITFt-1gix_jFCFHeWO3FhI-cKzI5lyGC22JTIPTbNZqUxyUzpBFVMjWPs_T3Lyvwr6CSoTEB6Fq-QBXndEBF_l4MjS5IytIAiNlU53CQQWDNi_EQdkK8HEaKTZN9EzA_/s1600/1476225_10202492248981955_7202419942115933823_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir4ZOLdmt60bvGw8QHWwf9gcthCgIqUYJopaCkU8nhp_uv6ZLxjhy9wlU0CP8r3_ChMlgs7QmUTvq_R3ydY2rtzcm9T-Tta19HfUjtUs-ZDaE3Auz3mKQ76hS-hejxI4doP3BILuDz_lnQ/s1600/10923209_10202492245981880_2580030211102971087_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Early September
2004 </b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBYDFpj4aFOceJyezFu8_BSGifwpxEIZBPrByvGvLzgOmnUEre4K3bvWUl3GtOD3gqRQJ3vEh2bAD2_DdK5cKwEQJh0UXE25U0decVmqxGUxYQrcoXPZD45_b64jl-D6a0NMaoMd-DSbKi/s1600/10940597_10202492738314188_4534937907134295421_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBYDFpj4aFOceJyezFu8_BSGifwpxEIZBPrByvGvLzgOmnUEre4K3bvWUl3GtOD3gqRQJ3vEh2bAD2_DdK5cKwEQJh0UXE25U0decVmqxGUxYQrcoXPZD45_b64jl-D6a0NMaoMd-DSbKi/s320/10940597_10202492738314188_4534937907134295421_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>My mom had been in the hospital for a few days. She had been
in and out of the hospital for most of my life, but this time was different.
This time she had been in a coma and I wasn’t able to talk to her. I was only
10, so I don’t think that I fully comprehended what was happening. All I knew
was that my mom was asleep, and wouldn’t wake up. At one point, I was talking
to her and she tried to open her eyes, but wasn’t able to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4YCddxuWvOEkPn0dGEZAq46I0_jI1JO2jK_ZPYymxAO2KzW20a5gvAH6R1iUgaCW0KW_lV4w5YGaV-8T6jSe16eDS05z1wCOMGJxjTORs55ZkZm0c9l5UxUqnYqSd9K3HVuPIU6kUPXn/s1600/10387530_10202492075337614_237826111069439572_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4YCddxuWvOEkPn0dGEZAq46I0_jI1JO2jK_ZPYymxAO2KzW20a5gvAH6R1iUgaCW0KW_lV4w5YGaV-8T6jSe16eDS05z1wCOMGJxjTORs55ZkZm0c9l5UxUqnYqSd9K3HVuPIU6kUPXn/s320/10387530_10202492075337614_237826111069439572_n.jpg" width="262" /></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> September 8, 2004. </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got picked up from school early by some of my cousins. I
wasn’t sure what was going on. No one </div>
would talk to me. We got to the hospital
and walked into a small room. The first person I saw was my cousin Rob. He was
crying. Why was he crying? I looked over at my grandma and she said quietly:
“Meghan, mommy died.” My little world crumbled as I cried in disbelief. We were
taken into her hospital room where she laid, quiet and asleep. I touched her
hand and was surprised at how cold it was. My mommy was gone. She wasn’t waking
up.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBNJR6XRT67svhn8xPvOslW0SxQcmRawn0EJt7fjULkHcb357Juso8SGPeHwAnBaYk_zBBtL21An52rhtiSYvCZsO5n-iiSd5I7ep3EZgzLmZn1QCQiqEP8-bNauSBCq7W3tgABNVeBE8c/s1600/1910406_10204232365963792_345213322459025500_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBNJR6XRT67svhn8xPvOslW0SxQcmRawn0EJt7fjULkHcb357Juso8SGPeHwAnBaYk_zBBtL21An52rhtiSYvCZsO5n-iiSd5I7ep3EZgzLmZn1QCQiqEP8-bNauSBCq7W3tgABNVeBE8c/s320/1910406_10204232365963792_345213322459025500_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">September 8, 2016</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been 12 years since my mom passed away. I can still
remember that day like it was yesterday. There were so many things happening in
mine and my families lives during that time. I often think about her and wish
she was here, yet there are many times where I can feel her presence. I have
felt her presence at all of my clogging performances. I felt her presence at my
seminary and college graduations. When I cry, I know she’s there. I felt her
presence at my wedding. She was in the temple watching our sealing and crying
happy tears with all of us. I felt her hand on my shoulder comforting me at my
grandma’s funeral in January. She was with me when I cried and cried over
missing the both of them. There are so many times that I have felt her. I may
not have her with me physically, but I know she’s there. I know that my family
and I all miss her terribly. She is often talked about. You are loved and
missed mom. I love you! Until we meet again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-62319045983517907172015-11-04T20:16:00.000-08:002015-11-04T20:16:26.157-08:00SupportIt has been almost a week since <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzM1QxWKFrE" target="_blank">my video</a> sharing my story about dealing with anxiety and depression launched for the <b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfnQTleZ3Lc" target="_blank">#IAMSTIGMAFREE</a> </b>project. This was was one of the scariest things I have ever done. It is the first time I have ever publicly shared with the entire world that I was abused as a child. While I never went into detail describing anything, it was still just as painful.<br />
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After the launch I knew that I shouldn't let my efforts go to waste, so I shared my video as well, as the other women's videos with everyone on Facebook, to my entire work department, and my family. The response I received from this effort was phenomenal! Many people shared that they felt alone in their struggles and that this effort showed them that this is not the case. I was so excited to talk to everyone and become siblings that share this common bond. I am so grateful that I was able to gain this support early on because I was very quickly going to need it.<br />
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Later in the day after this launch, I suddenly found myself having massive panic attacks and feeling depressed. How could this be? I had been having such an amazing day, so surely it was just "leftover" from the attacks I had been having prior to the launch. The next day I was feeling even worse, and discovered that I was having what some might call a relapse. I felt as awful as I had in the very beginning when I was first starting therapy, and acknowledging all that I had and was still dealing with. This was absolutely awful. I couldn't focus on my studies, I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry myself to sleep. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that would get rid of these awful anxious feelings I was having. I found myself feeling alone and wondering if anyone out there knew what I was dealing with, and then I remembered the day before.<br />
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I was brought back to the flood of people who had expressed their love and support for me. I was reminded of those who shared with me their struggles with mental illness. I was no longer alone in my struggle. This is what breaking the stigma means to me: No matter how difficult our struggles with mental disorder get, we should <b>always</b> be there as a support to each other.<br />
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If it became the norm for people to learn about and support those with mental illness then I believe that more would share when they are struggling. If it became the norm to share our struggles then I believe our suicide rates would drop drastically. Let us all support each other in all struggles whether they be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. We are all connected together as brothers and sisters, so let's treat each other as such. I dream of a world where everyone has not one, not two, but an entire group of supporters to help them get through the good and bad.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-79064098846948829362014-07-23T11:46:00.002-07:002014-07-23T11:52:25.306-07:00No Longer Living in a Misconception<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">There
is a misconception in this world that so many of us believe and live by
everyday of our lives. That misconception is that to think of ourselves and
what is best for us is <u><b>selfish</b></u>. Let me clear up that misconception right now.
The dictionary (Google) defines the word selfish as: </span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">lacking
consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or
pleasure.” Note that nowhere in that definition did it say that to do what is
best for us personally is a selfish thing. Being selfish is when you are so
self-consumed that you don’t care how it affects anyone else around you. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I
have come to realize that living in this misconception is part of what
has
caused me so much grief in dealing with my anxiety disorders. My whole
life I
have been told that when I defend myself while being repeatedly torn
down by
another person that I am being selfish because I am not allowing them to
treat
me the way they were. Sounds silly that I believed that, right? Wrong.
So many people allow themselves to be torn down on a daily basis by
someone
else because they feel that protecting themselves from the hurtful
damage words
can cause is somehow <i>selfish</i>. This is such a common problem that so many people
deal with, myself included. Let me tell you my story.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Growing
up I was not allowed to be me. It just didn’t happen. My favorite color was not
allowed to be purple. Why? That is not what they wanted. I had to bead
necklaces not play with dolls like every other little girl. Why? That is not
what they wanted. If I so much as even tried to do what I wanted to do, I was
torn down and told why it was a stupid idea. As I have gotten older I began
to realize how much I did not like to be in the environment I was in, but I
could not see any way out, so I continued to deal with it. Then one day I
decided I had had enough and I left. I distanced myself completely from those
who caused me harm. I was surprised at how quickly I felt free and able to do
what I wanted to do, but that’s when the panic disorder kicked in full gear.
Suddenly, I was allowed to be me. That was a scary thought after being told how
to be for my entire life. I had multiple panic attacks a day, and they were not
small panic attacks. They were painful, so painful, and physically/emotionally
exhausting. The trials I went through for the following months are not something I
would ever wish on another, and not something I want to experience ever again. It
took a really long time to come out of the pain and guilt I experienced. You
read that right. I felt <u><b>guilty</b></u>. I felt guilty for distancing myself as if I
had been selfish enough to tell them that they were treating me badly and I was
not going to let them anymore. I felt guilty for trying to protect myself from
the abuse I was receiving. I expressed these feelings to my therapist and she
asked me one simple question: What did I do that harmed them? Suddenly, it
clicked. I had done nothing to harm them, only to protect myself from them
harming me. I looked back and realized I had finally come to accept who I was,
who I am. That was a pinnacle moment for me in my journey towards healing.
Finally realizing that I was free to be me and not what anyone else wanted me
to be, I could come out and let the world really know Meghan as she is. Since
that moment I have felt myself completely blossom as an individual. I no longer
allow people to call me selfish for protecting myself. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">If
there is one thing I want you to take from this post today, it's that it is
okay to be concerned about you. If it is selfish to take some time to take care
of yourself then by all means, Go. Be. Selfish. Since I began to allow myself to
be <i>selfish</i> I found that my panic attacks decreased to the point of almost no longer existing, I was
sleeping better, and I even legitimately smiled. Since I have allowed myself to
be <i>selfish</i> I have become truly and genuinely happy. I really hope you will
take the time today to allow yourself to be happy with you really are.</span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-79847281638375280542014-02-19T14:17:00.003-08:002014-02-19T14:19:50.922-08:007 Days Free!!! :D<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5vVs8aMpkWrPc9myM0iGfzi_byJCi56nccsE-1ksuRi3udcCzovVmp8nHQgjtOkssNlc3K7OzvH6T5hyphenhyphen4zHk30H4pQiYEpulHADJoFO9kLQ6TrVPfSlVYKFxe3LGWTzvcdi33gdX2LoXo/s1600/1601248_10200733232487642_1995822975_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5vVs8aMpkWrPc9myM0iGfzi_byJCi56nccsE-1ksuRi3udcCzovVmp8nHQgjtOkssNlc3K7OzvH6T5hyphenhyphen4zHk30H4pQiYEpulHADJoFO9kLQ6TrVPfSlVYKFxe3LGWTzvcdi33gdX2LoXo/s1600/1601248_10200733232487642_1995822975_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
After about two weeks of long strings of panic attacks I was able to take a trip down to Texas to visit some family. While down there I felt like a different person. There was nothing for me to fear and nothing to trigger an attack. I felt so wonderful and free to be who I wanted and not worry about anything. This feeling of freedom is a feeling that I don't think I have ever felt. I was allowed the time to let myself heal and to have some deep pondering time.<br />
<br />
I learned a few things on that trip that I will continue to use for the rest of my life. Probably the most important thing I learned is that I have the power within me to heal from the damage that I have experienced. I learned a new exercise that has helped me so much. It requires some visualization and I had to close my eyes the first few times I did it. I imagined being able to take my heart out of my body and hold it in my hands. I asked myself what it looked like: Was it plump and healthy? Was it battered? What did it look like at that moment in time? I then imagined myself handing my heart over to the Savior and allowing his healing touch to put my heart back into a full and plump state. After receiving my heart back I would put it back inside of me. Every time I do this it gives me this new sense of energy to my system. I feel as if I am "whole" in a sense. It gives me this new sense of motivation to be better and it wipes my fear right out of my system.<br />
<br />
I am making progress in moving past my anxiety! I often don't feel like I am making any at all, but then I take a good hard look at myself and I realize just how far I have come. I am very excited to say that I am at 7 whole days without any panic attacks!! That's the longest I have gone in almost 5 months. My panic attacks seem to be the center of just about all of my problems. This week I noticed I have been sleeping better and all night which means I am making progress with my insomnia. I have not had stiff muscles and a stiff back which means my functional scoliosis and tendinitis is improving. My mood has been much better ruling out feeling super depressed 24/7. I am feeling so good and ready to take on the world!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4102174139993490286.post-42534595745999498372014-01-26T20:46:00.000-08:002014-01-27T09:21:12.301-08:00Panic AttacksAs it states in my header I have a lot of problems that I have to deal with. The biggest one that continuously targets me is my panic disorder. Mayo Clinic describes panic disorder as: "...a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe
physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause." (<a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/basics/definition/con-20020825" target="_blank">for more info click here)</a> I deal with panic attacks, because of the enormous amount of trauma and problems I went through as a young child. When it first became known that those intense moments of anxiety and fear were panic attacks I was able to pinpoint what was triggering them. Lately, there have been several times that I have been unable to pinpoint the exact cause of them. Those ones are the scariest and most frustrating ones out of all of them.<br />
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For the longest time panic disorder seems to have had complete control over my life. I avoided doing things and being with people that I thought might trigger an attack. Three days ago I very seriously decided I was no longer going to allow this disorder to control my life. Of course because I made this decision and acted on it every single thing that could send my anxiety into a spiraling course of panic...happened. Let me add that I am not on medication for this condition at all. I don't frown on people who choose to take them, but not taking them felt like the right decision for me. My mom and my doctor suggested a yeast control diet (I'll go into detail about this diet in another post) to help regulate my system so that my body would respond to panic in a healthier way. Having been on this before, but the not the full allotted time I know how I react to it. I'm ready to try it again. Full force.<br />
<br />
This journey towards full emotional healing is going to be a long one, but all I can do is look forward to the future. That will be the ultimate thing helping me get passed this. These panic attacks happen because of events from the past. The future is full of so much hope, peace, and tranquility. I am using this blog to help me see my own progress, but I hope it might reach someone who may be dealing with one of these issues themselves. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0