No Longer Living in a Misconception

There is a misconception in this world that so many of us believe and live by everyday of our lives. That misconception is that to think of ourselves and what is best for us is selfish. Let me clear up that misconception right now. The dictionary (Google) defines the word selfish as: “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.” Note that nowhere in that definition did it say that to do what is best for us personally is a selfish thing. Being selfish is when you are so self-consumed that you don’t care how it affects anyone else around you.

I have come to realize that living in this misconception is part of what has caused me so much grief in dealing with my anxiety disorders. My whole life I have been told that when I defend myself while being repeatedly torn down by another person that I am being selfish because I am not allowing them to treat me the way they were. Sounds silly that I believed that, right? Wrong. So many people allow themselves to be torn down on a daily basis by someone else because they feel that protecting themselves from the hurtful damage words can cause is somehow selfish. This is such a common problem that so many people deal with, myself included. Let me tell you my story.

Growing up I was not allowed to be me. It just didn’t happen. My favorite color was not allowed to be purple. Why? That is not what they wanted. I had to bead necklaces not play with dolls like every other little girl. Why? That is not what they wanted. If I so much as even tried to do what I wanted to do, I was torn down and told why it was a stupid idea. As I have gotten older I began to realize how much I did not like to be in the environment I was in, but I could not see any way out, so I continued to deal with it. Then one day I decided I had had enough and I left. I distanced myself completely from those who caused me harm. I was surprised at how quickly I felt free and able to do what I wanted to do, but that’s when the panic disorder kicked in full gear. Suddenly, I was allowed to be me. That was a scary thought after being told how to be for my entire life. I had multiple panic attacks a day, and they were not small panic attacks. They were painful, so painful, and physically/emotionally exhausting. The trials I went through for the following months are not something I would ever wish on another, and not something I want to experience ever again. It took a really long time to come out of the pain and guilt I experienced. You read that right. I felt guilty. I felt guilty for distancing myself as if I had been selfish enough to tell them that they were treating me badly and I was not going to let them anymore. I felt guilty for trying to protect myself from the abuse I was receiving. I expressed these feelings to my therapist and she asked me one simple question: What did I do that harmed them? Suddenly, it clicked. I had done nothing to harm them, only to protect myself from them harming me. I looked back and realized I had finally come to accept who I was, who I am. That was a pinnacle moment for me in my journey towards healing. Finally realizing that I was free to be me and not what anyone else wanted me to be, I could come out and let the world really know Meghan as she is. Since that moment I have felt myself completely blossom as an individual. I no longer allow people to call me selfish for protecting myself.

If there is one thing I want you to take from this post today, it's that it is okay to be concerned about you. If it is selfish to take some time to take care of yourself then by all means, Go. Be. Selfish. Since I began to allow myself to be selfish I found that my panic attacks decreased to the point of almost no longer existing, I was sleeping better, and I even legitimately smiled. Since I have allowed myself to be selfish I have become truly and genuinely happy. I really hope you will take the time today to allow yourself to be happy with you really are.

           

7 Days Free!!! :D

After about two weeks of long strings of panic attacks I was able to take a trip down to Texas to visit some family. While down there I felt like a different person. There was nothing for me to fear and nothing to trigger an attack. I felt so wonderful and free to be who I wanted and not worry about anything. This feeling of freedom is a feeling that I don't think I have ever felt. I was allowed the time to let myself heal and to have some deep pondering time.

 I learned a few things on that trip that I will continue to use for the rest of my life. Probably the most important thing I learned is that I have the power within me to heal from the damage that I have experienced. I learned a new exercise that has helped me so much. It requires some visualization and I had to close my eyes the first few times I did it. I imagined being able to take my heart out of my body and hold it in my hands. I asked myself what it looked like: Was it plump and healthy? Was it battered? What did it look like at that moment in time? I then imagined myself handing my heart over to the Savior and allowing his healing touch to put my heart back into a full and plump state. After receiving my heart back I would put it back inside of me. Every time I do this it gives me this new sense of energy to my system. I feel as if I am "whole" in a sense. It gives me this new sense of motivation to be better and it wipes my fear right out of my system.

I am making progress in moving past my anxiety! I often don't feel like I am making any at all, but then I take a good hard look at myself and I realize just how far I have come. I am very excited to say that I am at 7 whole days without any panic attacks!! That's the longest I have gone in almost 5 months. My panic attacks seem to be the center of just about all of my problems. This week I noticed I have been sleeping better and all night which means I am making progress with my insomnia. I have not had stiff muscles and a stiff back which means my functional scoliosis and tendinitis is improving.  My mood has been much better ruling out feeling super depressed 24/7. I am feeling so good and ready to take on the world!

Panic Attacks

As it states in my header I have a lot of problems that I have to deal with. The biggest one that continuously targets me is my panic disorder. Mayo Clinic describes panic disorder as: "...a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause." (for more info click here) I deal with panic attacks, because of the enormous amount of trauma and problems I went through as a young child. When it first became known that those intense moments of anxiety and fear were panic attacks I was able to pinpoint what was triggering them. Lately, there have been several times that I have been unable to pinpoint the exact cause of them. Those ones are the scariest and most frustrating ones out of all of them.

For the longest time panic disorder seems to have had complete control over my life. I avoided doing things and being with people that I thought might trigger an attack. Three days ago I very seriously decided I was no longer going to allow this disorder to control my life. Of course because I made this decision and acted on it every single thing that could send my anxiety into a spiraling course of panic...happened. Let me add that I am not on medication for this condition at all. I don't frown on people who choose to take them, but not taking them felt like the right decision for me. My mom and my doctor suggested a yeast control diet (I'll go into detail about this diet in another post) to help regulate my system so that my body would respond to panic in a healthier way. Having been on this before, but the not the full allotted time I know how I react to it. I'm ready to try it again. Full force.

This journey towards full emotional healing is going to be a long one, but all I can do is look forward to the future. That will be the ultimate thing helping me get passed this. These panic attacks happen because of events from the past. The future is full of so much hope, peace, and tranquility. I am using this blog to help me see my own progress, but I hope it might reach someone who may be dealing with one of these issues themselves.